Hollowness in Relationships - More Mind Body Connection Stuff

Ever felt like someone you were speaking to wasn't there? How about a therapist? Ever had one whom you felt wasn't listening or just plain didn't get what you were saying? In this chapter of Plain Talk about Talk Therapy, we're going to explore what underlies these uncomfortable experiences. The feelings I call, "hollowness." Not from the psychological perspective, mind you. Rather, from the mind body perspective. Why do we feel this kind of hollowness? Is there something inherently wrong with us? For instance, are we all just bad listeners at times? Or is this hollowness more a normal feeling? Do you know? Let's see.

"Hooking Up"
Ever overheard a young person say, "we hooked up last night"? Modern parents know to pay particular attention to this phrase. Why? Because for today's kids, "hooking up" is not exactly 'hanging out." Hooking up means your kid had some kind of "body to body" contact. Or as we old folks used to say, they "got it on." Of course, were you to inquire directly as to what they did last night, they'd probably say something like, "we just talked." Translation. They had the kind of interpersonal contact officially sanctioned by the league for the parents of perfect kids. "Mind to mind" contact.

Then there's the look. You know. The one wherein your daughter appears to have just swallowed a halogen lamp. The bright, light, sunny, airy, floaty look. The "yes, I really liked him but don't ask me any more questions" look. Which means what exactly? Which means your daughter had person to person contact. Mind to mind and body to body. And a whole lot more. In the hormonally driven teenage sense of "a whole lot more." But they didn't necessarily hook up. Confused?

Actually, it's quite simple given you take a minute to reflect on it. Then again, with all the late twentieth century TV therapist type psychobabble floating about these days, it's a wonder some modern parents can still boil an egg let alone talk to their kids. After all, why else would they ask things like, "how old is he; where's he from; and does he get along with his mother?" Oh, Lord.

Interestingly enough, when you know how simple mind body connections are, most of these questions go away. Or at least, they feel a whole lot less important. You see, the kinds of things which can happen to us in these situations are pretty much set within the first encounter or so. The tone of them anyway. And this holds true even for us older folk. You know, the "no fool like an old fool" situations and all that.

So how can knowing about mind body stuff tell you what may happen to you? Can it tell us how well we'll be able to connect to others? And what happens when we fail to connect? For instance, when we feel like people are not listening to us? Is it our words? Is it our timing? Is it even us?

Let's start with something simple. The idea that there are only three interpersonal mind body states wherein we can actually connect to someone.

What can be confusing here though is that, in two of them, we can connect and still feel hollow. Not because we've failed to connect, but rather because we did connect. But only half way.

What are the two states?

One. We connect to someone mind to mind, but not body to body. "He's handsome, intelligent, and perfect on paper but I just don't feel any chemistry." This is what it's like to feel physical hollowness.

Two. We connect to someone body to body, but not mind to mind. "She's gorgeous, sweet, and thoughtful but she's not the brightest bulb on the tree" type of hollowness. This is what it's like to feel mental hollowness.

So okay. There are two kinds of hollow connection we can make. Mind to mind, and body to body. What about when we do manage to connect in both ways, as in person to person contact?

In many cases, when this happens, we make a connection for life. Or at least, we make one for some significant amount of time. Moreover, while the nature of these encounters is that they often end up being significant romances, even when they don't, they still have the power to change our lives. Often in ways we never thought possible.

Obviously, these person to person connections do not come along very often. Nor do they always last in a meaningful way. You see, while person to person connections are the heart and soul of realness, there's obviously a lot more to having a lasting relationship than connection.

For instance, say we feel a strong person to person connection but you both have too much unfinished business. This becomes what I call the "starter house" relationship. Here, because you have a great person to person connection, you feel close right away and may think, "this is the one." Unfortunately, because there is the matter of the unfinished business, you also right away begin to struggle and hurt.

What happens then? The Mayan death grip. You love them and hate them and cannot leave. Thus, even with a great person to person connection, being healthy and continuing to work on yourself is much more important than say, an ever present physical connection. Not that this connection is unimportant. It's just that there are things which are more important. Finishing unfinished business is more important.

Whatever the case, even in the best relationships, we all need courage to keep a connection going. Fate alone (the mind body state) is never enough. And yes, there are people we can feel "fated" to have met. I've felt this feeling a few times myself. The soul mates at first sight kind of thing. However, in hindsight, and with a lot of years and failures behind me now, I more know these feelings to be the signs of a strong person to person connection than any predictor of meant-to-be-ness.

I suppose the thing to remember here is that even soul mates argue. And need lots of TLC at times. So yes. It's wonderful to have that special connection. But I wouldn't sell the farm until you learn to see past the person to person glow and into the other person's darkness.
All kidding aside, my point here is, person to person connections are never enough to sustain a relationship. Let alone make it a good one. Certainly, these feelings are often enough to get one started though. But then. so are the other two kinds of mind body connections; mind to mind and body to body.

Know we'll be looking at all three mind body connections later in this chapter, when we take a closer look at The Three Interpersonal Mind Body Connections. What they look and feel like, and how they affect our lives.

What else will we be looking at in this chapter?

For one thing, the three mind body situations wherein we fail to connect. The one's I've drawn in the diagram you see above. I call these three situations, The Three Interpersonal Mind Body Disconnections, as, in most cases, they result from people having tried and failed to make one or more of The Three Interpersonal Mind Body Connections I mentioned a moment ago.

Why do these failures happen? Before telling you, let me tell you a few things that are not true.

What is not true is that we fail to connect because we have nothing in common. We all have things in common with everyone. But we can't know this if we fail to connect. Thus, while we do have more things in common with some folks, this "more" is more likely a function of how good the connection is than a measure of how much we have in common.

What else is not true? It is not true that we fail to connect simply because we fear getting hurt again. And yes. People can and do feel afraid to get hurt at times. We all do. Often, very powerfully. Even so, if a strong person to person connection comes along, this reasoning evaporates very quickly.

Ironically, feeling strong connections is what gets us over these fearful feelings. Which makes learning to recognize and use mind body connections a heck of a powerful personal skill.

What about the idea that we're just not ready? The fearful therapist's mantra? Is this ever true?

The truth? Life is the one who decides when you're ready. Not your therapist. Nor you. And yes. You may be in the middle of sorting out a whole lot of garbage. Baggage. Issues. Whatever. Still, when you find yourself feeling any one of the Three Interpersonal Mind Body Connections, then you know life is saying, you're ready. Ready to be with "the one"? No. Ready to be with "the next one."

Which brings us to the next point. Is there always a "next one"?

Yes. There is always a next one. However, when I say there is always a next one, I do not mean, there is always someone better. Or that we should leave out present relationship. I mean only that life's way of getting our attention is to allow us to connect. We do not create these opportunities. We only say yea or nay. And if you're already in a relationship, then nay is the proper response.

The whole point here is, despite the psychological reasons some experts offer us for why our relationships fail, for the most part, they fail simply because no one teaches us about the Show First- Tell First Cycle. To what am I referring? To the two ways in which all people can communicate and reach the other person. The Show then Tell method, which works best for the Body First people, and the Tell then Show method, which works best for the Mind First people.

What makes knowing about this cycle so important?

The fact that the two most common failed attempts at connecting; Mind to Body failures and Body to Mind failures, occur, not because people do not try, but rather, because a Mind First person and a Body First person do not, by nature, know how to connect. And they can connect. And stay connected. But only if they use the Show First - Tell First Cycle.

What is especially sad here is that the thing which prevent these folks from connecting is so simple, that many times a lasting improvement can occur between two people in a single therapy session. We'll talk about how later in the chapter.

So what do we have so far?

We have the three ways in which we can connect, mind body wise; [1] mind to mind, [2] body to body, and [3] person to person.

We also have the three ways in which we fail to connect, mind body wise; [1] mind to mind, [2] body to body, and [3] person to person. Is this it then for the ways in which we can and cannot connect?

Actually, no. There are two more to mention. The times wherein we make, or fail to make, an internal mind body connection. Thus in this case, we are not talking about interpersonal relating. Rather, we are talking about those times in which we try to feel a connection between our own mind and body. What I call, a "personal connection."

The thing to know here is that, because no one teaches us what the mind body connection is, most of don't even know what we are trying to achieve let alone how to live this way for any length of time. Thus despite the fact that many folks have a genuine willingness and desire to learn, unless you know the nature of mind body connections, these effort fail despite these good efforts.

What's the problem here then? In other words, where have we been going wrong?

For one thing, when people advice us as to how to make mind body connections, most of them discuss these connections additively. Rather than simultaneously. What I'm saying is, most people who teach folks about mind body connections teach that if you cover all your bases, mind body wise, that your mind and body will somehow connect in the process.

Oh, were it only this simple. But it's not. Why not? Because this advice actually causes us to disconnect, mind body wise. And for the same reasons all three of the interpersonal failures occur. Because the efforts they tell us will help us to connect within ourselves are based mainly on mind body arithmetic, not on mind body holism. In other words, you can't add mind plus body and get a connection. This only results in some kind of mismatch, some wrong signals between our mind's way of connecting and our body's way of connecting. Thus the jagged red arrows in this chapter's first diagram.

What is going on here though? Basically, just this. We each have a mind and a body. And they each have a separate brain. Physiologically. And psychologically.

In addition, both these brains function within a different range of speeds. Body is in the slower range. Mind is in the faster range.

Thus, in many ways, we function like two great runners. One is a sprinter and the other, a long distance runner. Now can you imagine these two runners running on the same track and trying to have a conversation?

Please know, this analogy, as odd as it might sound, reveals the very worst part of the mind body connection problem. The mismatched by nature speed problem between the body and the mind. Moreover, the entire solution to mind body connection problems is to learn to notice and make corrections during the race. Similar to how these two runners would have to adjust to each others speed. Or not and not connect.

We mostly do not. And do not connect. Even within ourselves.

In a very real way then, we live life as if we were two separate people. A quick running, mind based person. And a slow but steady, body based person. Moreover, because we fail to notice and honor this difference, we more times than not fail to connect mind body wise. Moreover, this holds true even internally as we are subject to the same limitations which exist between two physical people. More so if the two literal people are a Mind First person and a Body First person.

Okay. I admit. I've just thrown a whole lot of information at you. Far too much to expect yourself to fully comprehend. The thing to know though is that, even if you understood very little of what I've just said, if you make an honest effort to learn it, you can learn to make mind body connections. Albeit, it may take you a bit of practice.

Given the effort and perseverance though, you can connect. Or at least know the real reason you failed to connect. Not all the psychological mumbo jumbo reasons. The real reason. The feeling I've been calling, "hollowness."

Can you see now why I've titled this chapter, Hollowness in Relationships. It's the entry point into the entire cause of failed connections. And yes. Learning to read and use mind body connections can literally take a lifetime. However, acquiring the main skill; learning to recognize hollowness, can be learned rather quickly.

Okay. Time for a recap. Up to this point then, I've mentioned eight mind body states. The three ways we do manage to connect. The three ways we fail to connect. And the two ways connect internally. The good news is, that's it. Eight states. And before we delve any deeper into what these possibilities are like, allow me first list them all for you once more. Beginning with the four ways in which we fail to connect. Mind body wise. Then followed by the four ways in which we do connect. Mind body wise.

The Four Ways We Fail to Connect

• A Failed Mind to Body Connection (a hollow mental attempt)
• A Failed Body to Mind Connection (a hollow physical attempt)
• A Failed Person to Person Connection (an extended interpersonal hollowness)
•  Failed Personal Connection (an internal Mind to Body hollowness)
  

The Four Ways We Successfully Connect

• A Successful Mind to Mind Connection (a physically hollow connection)
• A Successful Body to Body Connection (a mentally hollow connection)
• A Successful Person to Person Connection (an extended interpersonal Mind to Body connection)
• A Successful Personal Connection (an internal Mind to Body connection)
  

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