Should Therapy Encourage People to Blame?

Who do you blame when things go wrong? Yourself? Someone else? The world in general? Whatever your answer, don't fret. Despite what we've all been told about not blaming, we all do it at times. The thing is, most of the blaming we do we don't even intend to do. It just comes out of us. Moreover, there's even a time when choosing to blame someone can make things better. Can you imagine? This then will be our topic in this chapter of Plain Talk about Talk Therapy. Blame. What it is. Why we do it. And what is good about it. Do you think you already know? You may. Just the same, let's see.

"The Blame Game"
Blame. It's everywhere. So much so, we could almost say it's the universal American pastime. And while we often tell young children that they shouldn't blame anyone, as adults, we blame everyone from the pope to the post office. So what makes us do this? And why can't we stop? This is what we're about to talk about.

Why talk about blame in a book on talk therapy? Because no other topic takes up more space and time in talk therapy than who you blame. Not sex. Not money. Not children. Not parents. In fact, of all the things we talk about in therapy, who you blame may be at the top of the list.

So am I saying everyone blames? Yes I am. In fact, we even at times refer to blaming as a "game," this despite the fact that being blamed hurts like hell. By the way, have you any idea where this phrase came from? It came from a presidential speech. In 1982. October 14th to be exact. Oddly this phrase became one of this president's more lasting contributions. The president? Ronald Reagan. Who first used these words in a speech it which he blamed those who blamed him for the failing economy; "In recent weeks, a lot of people have been playing the blame game."

Blaming people for blaming people. We get taught that we shouldn't blame anyone. Yet even presidents do it.

What makes me see what President Reagan said as blame? And wasn't what he said justified? Good questions. I'll answer them both at some point during this chapter. For now, I'd like to just focus on the nature of blame itself. Especially on how blame affects our chances to succeed in talk therapy. Simply put, it hurts our chances. A lot. At the same time, it is not the sign of personal malfunctioning some folks would have us believe it to be either. You see, while we all feel urges to blame at times, many times, these urges are followed by secondary urges to forgive.

Why mention these two things together? Because blaming and forgiving both refer to the same part of our nature. The fault finding part. Moreover, while most of us see these two things as being totally different; one good, the other bad, in reality, they are not all that different. In fact, the biggest difference between them lies in when they occur. Blame occurs the front end. And forgiveness on the back end. In effect then, blame and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin, and if we didn't feel so many urges to blame, we wouldn't have anything to forgive.

How about just sucking it up and pretending we feel fine? Isn't this better than hurting people? The truth? Not really. In fact pretending we don't feel these urges to blame is sort of like repairing the cracked Ming vase by smearing shoe polish into the crack. Something's just not right there even if we cannot see what.

Why do we need to blame anyway? And why don't we simply bypass these urges and go directly to the real source of the problem? Or directly to forgiveness for that matter?

Well consider what the philosophers tell us about blame; that to err is human and to forgive divine. Here then is a clue as to what makes people think it is so normal to blame and so hard to forgive. If you believe in a punishing god (and we all pretty much do at least in part), then screwing up is the human part and forgiveness is the God part. And both are just the way it is. On the other hand, if this is true, then are we doomed? And how should talk therapy handle all this?

Let's start with this. All talk therapy makes assumptions about human nature. It has to in order to know how to help people. Thus I think we need to look at the nature of blame itself. For instance, what does Emergence Personality Theory have to tell us about blame?

To start with, Emergence Personality Theory sees blame as the focus of three out of the ten layers of personality. At the least then, blame accounts for a full thirty percent of who we are as people if fact. No small thing, this blame. And in a moment, where going to delve deeper into what this theory has to say about blame. Before we do though, let's look at what the average person thinks about why we blame.

What makes us blame?

Actually, there are several reasons. The main one being that, as the philosophers infer, there is an error built into the human mind; the idea that suffering is optional and so, results from something we mistakenly or wrongly do. In effect then, no matter how we label our suffering; as evil, disease, mental illness, neglect, abuse, done on purpose, whatever; if suffering happens, we believe someone caused it by making an error or worse by purposely doing something wrong.

This then is a good starting point in our discussion. We, by nature, blame because we frame our suffering as either mistakes or wrong doings. And this idea is apparent even in dictionaries. Even in my twenty three volume OED, the world's largest tome on the English language.

So what does the OED say about blame?

As it turns out, the word, "blame" originates from a Greek word which roughly translates to the word, "blasphemy." Hmmmm. The OED then goes on to tell us that blame is an "impious irreverence." As well as a slander, an evil speaking, and a defamation. It also means to charge with, to accuse, to discredit, to chide, to scold, to rebuke, and to reproach. Finally, this whole heap of human dung slinging gets summarized as "the things we say against someone."

Sure sounds complicated, doesn't it? And yet, if blame accounts for a full thirty percent of human nature, it seems only right then that its definition would be this complex. Even in it's original form.

Why refer to what I've just said as the word "blame" in it's original form?

Because we who live in modern times get to enjoy the new and expanded version of the word blame. The one in which the meaning changes from "the dung slung" to "the wrong doer is the dung."

In essence then, for a long time, blame referred to the things we say against someone. Oh, if it had only remained this simple. Unfortunately, in modern times, we have somehow enlarged the scope of this word by combining its original meaning; the things we say against someone, with that this someone caused these things. In other words, while the word blame originally meant to say bad things against another, when we blame people now, we see both what they do (the original meaning) and who they are (the modern meaning) as bad. Along with the idea that they are also the cause of this badness and the one responsible for fixing it.

Holy smokes, Batman. Are you beginning to see what makes this word such a complicated mess! And why it takes up so much space and time in talk therapy.

In a sense then, when we blame people, we see them as both the devil and the redeemer. Or as the idiot who did it and the genius who must find the cure. All of which makes blame just about the worst mindfuck in all of human personality. Certainly, in the top five to be sure.

How then can we possibly deal in talk therapy with something as complex as blame? My initial thoughts? Perhaps by finding it's literal converse. Blame's alter ego. And lest you see this alter ego as "forgiveness," consider what I said a moment ago; that if we did not see people as having done something wrong, then we would have nothing to forgive. Hence, my idea that blame and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin.

What is the converse of blame then?

The OED says the converse of the word "blame" is "to praise."

To praise?

If you then look up the origin of the word "to praise," you find that it originated from an Old French word which meant, "to prize."

Sounds logical.

It then goes on to say that to praise is to value, honor, esteem, laud, eulogize, value, commend, and extol.

Here again though, in modern times, we've expanded the scope of this word and added some dung. Thus the word praise, which started out life as a way to heap good onto things can now also mean to "judge the good in things." As in when we use this word in it's expanded modern form; "to appraise."

Dung slinging aside, here then is a starting point from which to talk about blame in talk therapy. By seeing these two words; to "blame" and to "praise," as two end of a single continuum within personality, we begin to get a sense of what this part of human nature is truly like. Arguably this idea may be one of the more important concepts a therapist could ever teach a client. Why? Because people who go to therapy mainly go there in order to find a way to end their suffering. And because suffering people by nature look for someone or something to blame. This makes addressing blame one of the main things we do in talk therapy.

Where then does the remedy lie? Here I think the answer lies in what Eastern philosophy says about suffering; the idea that what you resist persists. This implies that the remedy we seek lies more in finding the good in blaming than in not doing it. Not just in mere rationalizations, mind you. We already do too much of that. No. Rather, we need to find the beauty in blaming people. Personally. Authentically. And sincerely.

Does what I am suggesting sound crazy to you? And if not, does it seem impossible? It's not. In fact, my whole point for writing this chapter on blame is to show you where to look for just such a beauty. At least, the place in which to start looking for this beauty. And lest I not be saying this idea clearly enough, let me say this once more.

I think the best way for a talk therapy to address blame is to first honestly honor these feelings in people and then to look for the good in it. The beauty hidden within these feelings which people normally cannot see.

If we can learn to do this then blame becomes something wonderful; a genuinely spiritual healing agent.

Can't be, right? Please know it is. Although I admit, learning to use blame as a healing agent can take some time and effort. This said, if you really put your mind to it, you can learn to do this.

Where do we start? We start by taking a blameless look at the nature of blame. Which is to say, with Emergence Personality Theory's take on blame. Are you ready to begin the adventure? Here we go.

[to read the rest of this week's article, Should Therapy Encourage People to Blame?, click here.]