Are We Ever Done With Therapy?

I often hear confessions in first sessions. A common one is, "I'll probably be here a long time. I'm really that screwed up." Sadly, this reveals a lot about human nature, including how many of us feel about having problems. This then begs the question, so if people feel ashamed for having problems, and if therapists are people, then why go to a therapist? Won't the therapist's shame get in the way of our work? This week, in Plain Talk about Talk Therapy, we're going to look at the shame we feel for still having problems. We're also going look at why even the most dedicated and spiritual of people can never heal all their wounds. Do you know why? Let's find out.

Longing to Be Done With Therapy
Has a therapist ever told you that wanting to be done with therapy is healthy. Or that despite this wish, no one ever truly finishes. And yes, we may at times outgrow a therapist and be done working with this person. We may and probably should also take breaks from therapy at times. But no one is ever "done" working on themselves. Including therapists. In fact, if a therapist ever tells you he or she is done, run don't walk to the nearest exit. And don't look back. Therapists who think they are done have little to offer other than to encourage us to avoid feeling bad for not being done.

No one is ever done. Not even therapists. So how is it some therapists act this way? In a word, "shame." We'll talk more about this in a moment. Before we do, know that even the best of therapists behave like this a times. When? Whenever they make the focus of therapy symptom reduction rather than self exploration. This said, my point here is, looking like you have no problems is not an especially good way to conduct therapy. Moreover, the clients of therapists who act this way tend to feel really uneasy and ashamed. Especially those honest enough to say things like, "I'll probably be here a long time. I'm really that screwed up."

So if all therapists have unfinished business, why go to them? What if they turn out to have worse problems than you do?

First of all, as far as I'm concerned, the worst problem a person can have is to think he is done healing his wounds. We humans make progress, not perfection. Which is why, I guess, that some pretty spiritual folks tell us we are human beings "becoming."

If therapists have problems though, why go to them? For one thing, because if your therapist can openly admit how it feels to be still working on herself, then she has a lot to teach you. Certainly about how not to let feeling discouraged make you quit. And especially about how to deal with the shame we all feel for not being done.

Then too there is the idea that no one heals without being connected to another. We simply cannot heal our wounds alone. Unfortunately, it's hard as hell to connect to a therapist who acts like she's done healing. Why? Because connecting to another requires we feel a commonality; a shared human likeness; a personal equality. And because the thing which satisfies these requirements best is sharing our faults with each other. Period.

Therapists who act like they are done healing offer us no place to connect to them. Nor do they offer us a model for what it's like to still be healing, let alone what it should look like to be still healing after many years.

Know that most therapists are not this closed, albeit I've been to a few who were. Moreover, the few who are tend to attract folks who make being done more important then being real. And yes, I once was this screwed up as to believe I could some day be done. That's why I went to those folks.

Fortunately, recognizing the good therapists is easy enough. Good therapists will be real right in front of you. How? They'll admit their mistakes to you. And their flaws. Including both the logical parts and the messy stuff, like the tears and the anger and frustration.

Good therapists also tend to admire peoples' work, openly and honestly. Including their own. This open acknowledgment, in fact, is one of the main things good therapists have to offer their clients. This and their willingness to admit to their clients how painful it can be to still be doing this work.

Speaking of connecting, know that when I say connect to, I'm not merely talking about being fond of your therapist as in, "we really click, you know." Rather, I'm referring to something which more resembles two people having a conversation on clear cell phones. You know. The kind of conversations wherein both people talk and both people listen. Honestly and without judgment. So much so, in fact, that you both find yourselves remarking on just how good the conversation is. And yes. I know. My saying this may sound to some like "my kind of therapists" take up too much space. They don't. It's just that in order to heal, you must connect. Not just therapist-to-client, but also person to person. Being to being, and heart to heart. This requires both people take up equal space in the room. Why? Because there simply must be enough of the therapist-as-flawed-human visible for the client to connect to.

How can a therapist do this though and still do therapy? Shouldn't the focus be on the client's healing?

Yes, it should be. However, if two people are both working on themselves and if they both keep in mind their roles, then both can grow and gain from the client's healing simultaneously. And yes, the client should never be the therapist's therapist. But this means only that the content of what the therapist brings up should always be connected and lead to possible healing in the client. Which in essence means only that both people take up equal space within the same agreed upon focus; the client's healing.

Said in simpler terms, good therapists know how to use their own work to inspire good work in their clients. Thus while in one sense the client's healing should always be the main focus, good therapists know how to make their healing the route to their client's healing. How? By sharing the stage as equally courageous but flawed human beings while at the same time never forgetting their role as guide to a self explorer.

All this said, my point is, we all long to be done working on ourselves at times. Clients and therapists alike. Moreover, despite this longing, we never do finish. None of us. Not a one.

Now let's look at why.

[Please note, to read the rest of this article, you'll have to click the article title below. Why? For one thing, I frequently revise these articles. For another, because these articles can be a bit long for a blog entry. Plain Talk about Talk Therapy - Week Five. ]